


you come around and the armor falls

by larabfb



Category: Ender Series - Orson Scott Card, Ender's Game (2013), Ender's Game - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Ending, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Post-War, Chatting & Messaging, First Crush, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, Pining, Slash, Slow Build, basically ender and bean writing love letters, human!bean, kind of
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-19
Updated: 2016-04-17
Packaged: 2018-02-21 18:17:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2477861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/larabfb/pseuds/larabfb
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The last person he ever expected to get a voluntary message from was Ender. Not that he didn’t want to hear from him - he did. Definitely. He just didn’t think Ender cared enough to keep him in his life.</p>
<p>(AU in which the war has been lost and Ender is sent back to Earth with the rest of his army. Thanks to distance, him and Bean can only communicate through email for a year. It's the hardest thing they've ever had to do.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wasn't going to post this, but I kind of feel like this fandom is dying and there haven't been many new Enderverse fics for a while, so I thought I'd put this out there. It isn't anywhere near perfect but I'm definitely going to keep working on it.  
> As for the emails - I tried to copy the format that was used in Shadow of the Hegemon (oops) but it turned out kinda weird. Please ignore my shitty Card impersonations bahaha. It'll make more sense later on. :)  
> Title is from State of Grace by Taylor Swift.

He woke up and had no idea where he was.

Gray walls. Carpeted floors. Windows. He blinked a few times, willing away the confusion. The natural light made his eyes burn and he stumbled as he tried to get out of bed. His body felt weighed down, like he’d been anchored to the ground. Why was it so heavy? Not just his body, but the air itself; it was so dense. Like he was trying to breathe underwater.  

Ender’s legs finally gave in and he sunk to the ground, leaning against the wall and pressing his fingertips to his eyes. He was home, finally. And he hated it.

Not that he necessarily fell in love with the army barracks or any aspect of the battle school, nor his room on Eros. But it was familiar. It was all he was used to. This was different. So different. He’d only been away for six years and still he felt like a stranger in his own house.

There was a knock at his door and Ender forced himself to his feet, sitting down on the end of his bed and crossing his legs. “Come in.”

His mother twisted the knob and pushed the door open. “Good morning, Andrew.” Her smile was so uneasy that it made him anxious. “Are you hungry? I’ve made everyone some breakfast.”

Ender folded his hands and took a deep breath before replying. It still felt like his lungs were full of rocks and he couldn’t get any air in. “I’m not, actually,” he said, “but thank you for offering.”

She tilted her head to the side slightly, her smile faltering. “Please come join us at the table. You don’t have to eat anything.”

Her eyes were so pleading that he knew he couldn’t say no. Ender nodded and said, “I will. Give me a minute to get dressed.”

His mother sighed happily. “Thank you,” she replied, grinning at him and closing the door on her way out.

Ender shut his eyes again and took another breath. The last thing he wanted was to sit down and have breakfast with his family. As he stood up and rifled through the clothes in his closet, he was struck by a pang of incongruity. He felt like he was encroaching on something that should have been kept private. Him sitting down to eat with them would be like a stranger inviting himself to a party for a family that he didn’t know. Uncomfortable in the most unbearable, awkward way possible.

He made a mental note to apologize to them when he got the chance.

The room was dead silent when he walked in. Ender could feel his face start to heat up as he cautiously pulled out one of the chairs and sat down, pressing his lips into a thin smile. “Good morning.”

From across the table, Valentine grinned at him. “Morning,” she replied, tipping a glass of orange juice up to her mouth. Ender still couldn’t believe how different she looked. She was tall, almost as tall as him, and somehow more beautiful than the last time he’d seen her. When he saw her before going to command school, she just looked tired, but today she was radiating joy and Ender was glad. She deserved to be happy.

He just wondered what had changed.

Peter, on the other hand, was scowling into his plate of pancakes, the tips of his ears glowing red with either anger, hatred, or embarrassment. Or all three, most likely. Ender wasn’t sure. This blonde-haired, blue-eyed, six-foot mess of a boy was almost like a dream; vaguely familiar in a muted sort of way. Ender didn’t know anything about him. Peter was almost twenty years old; he had no idea how much he’d changed.

Ender made it through fifteen minutes of excruciatingly monotonous small talk before asking to be excused. Still slightly struggling to maintain his balance, he carried his untouched plate into the kitchen before retreating to his room, locking the door behind him. He hated how bare the walls were, and how quiet the house was. It wasn’t right. Ender wanted to tear his hair out. He didn’t belong here. The worst part was no one could possibly understand what he was feeling.

No one except for the others that were going through it with him.

Struck by an overpowering rush of inspiration, he sat down on the floor, folded his legs, and pulled his desk out from the top drawer of his nightstand. He brushed the dust off of its surface before pressing a button on the side, powering it on for the first time in six years. As old as it was, it still managed to start up just as quickly as it used to. Immediately, he pressed the mailbox icon with his thumb just as the machine beeped and told him he had one unread message.

He couldn’t help but smile when he saw who it was from.

 

_To: Andrew Wiggin ([awiggin@internationalfleet.org](mailto:awiggin@internationalfleet.org))_

_From: Petra Arkanian ([parkanian@internationalfleet.org](mailto:parkanian@internationalfleet.org))_

_Subject: [empty]_

_Hey commander._

_Just thought I’d check in and see how you’re holding up._

_I got back to Armenia about a week ago. I’m pretty sure my family is terrified of me, seriously. They act like they don’t know me, which I suppose is true. Still, they can at least make an effort to not look so uncomfortable whenever I walk into the room. I hate it._

_How’s your family? Are you even home yet? I know Dink is still on his way and so is Alai. Bean’s already back with his family, though, and they’re on vacation. Can you believe that? Wish I could take a vacation._

_(Oh, and by the way - find some way to talk to Bean. He keeps asking me about how you’re doing and won’t take “I don’t know” for an answer.)_

_Ground School sucks ass. Get out of it if you can. Some of the kids are okay, I guess, but most of them are just plain stupid. The schoolwork is boring as hell. It’s all stuff we learned when we were launchies. The only thing I’m not good at is the language. I’m so used to speaking Common that I barely remember any basic Armenian vocabulary. It’s awful. I’m working on it, though._

_I hate to admit it, but I miss you, and I miss Battle School itself. I’d take the battleroom over P.E. class any day._

_Hope you’re doing well._

_Petra_

 

Ender didn’t realize his eyes were watering until Petra’s words started blurring and his face felt numb. He blinked quickly, feeling ashamed. He missed her. Not just her, but everyone. He couldn’t help but think about how much easier this transition would be if his army was here with him.

Maybe that’s what was missing. His jeesh. Or maybe just one person in particular.

 

* * *

 

 

_To: Julian Delphiki II ([jdelphiki@internationalfleet.org](mailto:jdelphiki@internationalfleet.org))_

_From: Andrew Wiggin ([awiggin@internationalfleet.org](mailto:awiggin@internationalfleet.org))_

_Subject: [empty]_

_Hey. Heard you were asking about me._

_I’m okay, honestly. I won’t lie to you, I’m not happy, but still definitely better than the last time you saw me. I’ll be fine, though, and I mean it. Please don’t worry about me. I’m sure you have enough on your mind right now._

_How are you? Petra told me you’re on vacation, so it’s alright if you don’t respond right away, but I want to know how you’re doing._

_Ender_

 

Weather intrigued him. Bean hadn’t seen rain, or snow, or sun, or fog since he was four years old. He didn’t pay much attention to it when he was younger; it didn’t make sense for him to do so. There were more important things for him to think about. Like keeping himself alive. Being shot off into space didn’t really spark his interest in the daily forecast either, believe it or not. But after returning home, he found clouds and temperature and light so interesting. Not that anyone could blame him; he had been kept indoors for over half of his life. He wanted to know how it worked.

(It took him eight minutes to research and memorize the precipitation cycle.)

Bean got Ender’s message on his first rainy morning in Greece.

He found himself mesmerized with two different things that day. One being how dark the sky stayed while it was thunderstorming. Not that it didn’t make sense to him; he just liked the way it looked. The other was Ender.

Of all the people he’d met in Battle School, there were only two he’d even considered keeping in touch with: Nikolai (but he turned out to be his twin brother, so it wouldn’t matter, they’d be together anyway) and Petra. Maybe Alai or Dink would shoot him an email occasionally, but it wasn’t likely.

The last person he ever expected to get a voluntary message from was Ender.

Not that he didn’t want to hear from him - he did. Definitely. He just didn’t think Ender cared enough to keep him in his life.

There weren’t any words to accurately describe how Ender’s letter made Bean feel.

The only other time Bean had felt like this was the day Ender left for command school. His goodbye was just a handshake and a smile, but it made Bean so happy and so anxious and so hopeful that he could’ve exploded. In that moment, he swore he could have died in complete bliss. Ender’s smile was real; it didn’t necessarily mean he considered him a friend, or even that he cared about him, but it was enough. It was all he needed.

This emotion - whatever it was - it was simultaneously the best and worst thing he’d ever felt. He had no idea what it meant and he didn’t like not knowing. So he resolved to just forget the stupid feeling. It was probably normal - maybe all friends felt like that towards each other. He wouldn’t know. He didn’t want to agonize over it, so he took a deep breath, looked into Ender’s eyes, and tried to forget.

Then Ender walked out the door.

Bean didn’t think he’d ever be able to forget the amount of pain he felt in that moment.

His heart broke in two and fell to the ground, shattering into a million fragments, but he didn’t care; he left his heart there, in Ender’s room, pieces littered everywhere and cold blood soaking into the carpet. He didn’t think he’d ever get it back.

Bean left the room numb and remained that way for longer than he should have.

But on that rainy morning in Greece, as he read Ender’s letter on the illuminated screen of his desk in his dark bedroom for the tenth time, he could feel warmth starting to spread from his chest to his cheeks to the tips of his fingers. Everything came back. The happiness, the relief, the anxiety, the hope, the fear of losing him again.

For the first time in a year, Bean could feel his heart beating again. Slowly but surely, there was a pulse.

He liked it.

 


	2. we are alone with our changing minds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title is from State of Grace by Taylor Swift.

_Ho, Ender._

_Glad to hear you’re doing well. You’re right, I was worried. Last time I saw you, you were a mess. I was too, to be fair. You sound okay, though, so I suppose I have no reason to be so anxious about it. Honestly, if the reporters weren’t checking in on you and your family every so often, I wouldn’t even have known if you were alive or not. Seeing your face on my television is a little strange, I have to admit, but it’s reassuring at the same time. So I guess it balances out._

_And as for me, I’m fine. As fine as one can be after coming home from war. Being in Greece is still a huge adjustment. The people here are so different. At first there was a huge language barrier, considering that learning Greek isn’t necessarily something I thought I’d ever need to do. But I’ve taught myself. It’s much easier to enjoy yourself when you know what people are saying._

_My family is very kind. Sometimes it’s a little odd, because I don’t really feel like I’m one of them. I’ve only just met my parents. I’m fine with Nikolai, though. I don’t know if I told you that he’s my twin brother. All that time I spent with him in Battle School and I never managed to put two and two together._

_Not much else has happened. I decided not to go back to Ground School. My parents didn’t think I needed it. The days get kind of boring because Nikolai’s always away at school. He comes home every night, but still. My father is trying to interest me in sports, which I don’t care for. Actually, that’s an understatement. I could not care less about sports. I like to cook though. My mother’s teaching me. I think it’s a hidden talent of mine. Greek food is incredible, you wouldn’t believe it._

_Anyways. How is life in North Carolina? I’d like to hear about it._  

Bean had all kinds of regrets after pressing the send button on his message to Ender.

It was entirely too long. He was supposed to say a quick hello, not write the boy a goddamn essay. Ender would probably fall asleep reading it.

Bean could have planned this out so much better. But he knew that if he thought about it too much, he’d talk himself out of it, and then Ender would never hear back from him. So he sent it.

He spent most of the day wanting to pull his hair out. He was so consumed with regret that he barely noticed his brother coming into the room and sitting down next to him.

“What’s wrong?”

Bean jumped, startled, and his cheeks flushed slightly. “Nothing.”

Nikolai gave him a look. “Bean.”

He sighed. “Nothing’s wrong. I may have made a mistake, but it doesn’t matter.”

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

Bean really didn’t, but at the same time, he didn’t want to keep Nikolai in the dark. They were brothers. Brothers tell each other things. “I sent Ender a stupid-sounding message without thinking it through.”

“Bean, I highly doubt that anything that comes out of your mouth will ever sound stupid.”

He laughed. “I’m being serious.”

“So am I,” Bean countered. “It was absolutely ridiculous. He’s probably read it and deleted it and laughed at it a million times over. I’m so stupid, Nikolai, honestly. As if he actually-”

Nikolai raised his eyebrows, waiting for Bean to continue. “As if he actually what?”

The unfinished sentence was left on his lips, flashing in the forefront of his mind like a strobe light. _As if he actually cared about me_. “Nothing,” Bean replied smoothly, “I don’t want to talk about it. Tell me about school.”

Nikolai hesitated before opening his mouth and recounting the day’s events. Bean couldn’t bring himself to listen.

* * *

 

His parents signed him up for violin lessons.

An hour before his first session, Ender concluded that he’d rather stick forks in his eyes than learn how to play the violin.

“You need to calm down,” Valentine told him. She was sitting on the end of his bed, reading glasses perched on the end of her nose and tiny fingers curled around the pages of a well-worn book. “You’re overreacting. It’s just an instrument. And the lesson is only _half an hour_. I think you can handle it.”

“I just don’t want to,” he groaned, sinking into his desk chair and closing his eyes. “It’s a waste of time. There are so many things I could be doing instead.”

“Music makes you smarter, you know.”

“Do you think I need to be smarter?”

“I think everyone could be smarter, to some extent.”

“So we’re all idiots?”

“In theory.”

He went silent and Valentine looked up at him. “Get dressed,” she said, wrinkling her nose and turning back to her book. “You can’t show up shirtless.”

“Who says I’m going?”

“You know, Ender, you’re homeschooling yourself. Which is a really good thing, but you need to have contact with other human beings. It’s not healthy to be alone all the time. You need this.”

He narrowed his eyes slightly. “I’m talking to you, aren’t I?”

“That’s different.”

Valentine closed her book and got to her feet. “Go shower and make yourself look presentable. Please.”

“Fine,” he said, ushering her out the door and closing it behind her. Sighing, Ender sat down again and pulled out his desk, turning it on and tapping on his inbox. There was a message from Petra – he was starting to get irritated with her incessant emails – and one from Bean. His heart caught in his throat. _What the hell?_ It was Bean. They were _friends_. They went through hell and back together. Same as Alai, and Petra, and everyone else. He loved all of them equally. So why did seeing Bean’s name make his heart beat a little bit faster?

He read Bean’s message once, then twice, and he would have been content to skip his violin lesson and read it again, but Valentine was knocking on his door and telling him they had to leave and he couldn’t say no to her.

* * *

 

_Hey, Bean._

_If we’re being honest, I was worried about you, too. That’s why I’m so happy to hear back from you. Graff told me about this Achilles kid that’s been giving you trouble and I was scared he’d hurt you. It doesn’t sound like he’s leaving Battle School anytime soon though, so I think we’re safe._

_I know what you mean about it being a big adjustment. We just spent half our lives in space, so I suppose it was to be expected. Still, I understand how difficult it is for you. It’ll get better; it did for me. Just give it time._

_You have a twin brother, that’s so neat. You know, I always thought you two looked alike._

_Give your parents some time too. I’ve known my parents all my life and I’m still getting used to being at home with them. It’s so uncomfortable. I’m sure Nikolai will help you out._

_I’m surprised you aren’t good at sports. You were always good in the battleroom. And cooking, haha, that surprises me too. You don’t really strike me as the cooking type. Maybe I’ll get to try your food someday. :)_

_Life at home is good, actually. My parents are okay. It’s still a little strange being in the same room as them, but they’ve been very kind and accommodating. Valentine is great. The first couple of days were awkward, but now things are normal between us. And, as expected, Peter has not spoken a word to me since I returned. I’m not sure if that scares or relieves me._

_I’ve decided to homeschool myself. Graff has to check in every once in a while and assess me, but still. I’m pretty excited about it, to be honest. I’m taking psychology, European history, physics, and economics. Oh, and my mom signed me up for violin. My first lesson was today and I’ve already got a bad feeling about it. I don’t think I’m a violin person. Help me try to come up with ways to get out of it._

_Anyway. Hope to hear from you again soon._

_Ender_

Bean fell asleep smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. Sorry for this slightly-ooc filler chapter. Better things are yet to come. (:  
> Thanks so much for all of your comments, it means a lot. xo


	3. grenadine sunshine, can you break this heart of mine?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enter Novinha.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Bel Air by Lana Del Rey.

Ender’s violin tutor was named Novinha, she was just a few years older than him, and she had the saddest eyes he had ever seen.

Novinha herself was strikingly beautiful, Ender thought; she was tall, polished, sophisticated. But her eyes were dark brown and glassy and just looked so numb. Her smiles were never as bright as they should have been, and all of her positive affirmations were laced with a subtle kind of sarcasm and irony. It was almost as if she didn’t believe in anything she was saying. Or maybe she just couldn’t bring herself to care.

Either way, the air surrounding this girl was consistently negative, and Ender knew the feeling all too well. He just wondered what on earth had happened to make her so broken.

Chances of him receiving an answer were slim to none, however. Novinha refused to reveal anything about her personal life, excluding her age (seventeen) and how long she had been playing violin (eleven years). It had been quite a few weeks since Ender had started taken lessons from her, and she was still basically a stranger. Not that he cared. He didn’t. None of it mattered. The only reason he was doing this was for his parents. Honestly, Ender could not care less about learning to play the violin. It made his parents and Valentine happy to see him getting out of the house and that’s all that counted. He planned on giving it up as soon as possible. There were more important things in life than playing an instrument.

Not that he knew what those more important things were. But he’d figure it out sooner or later.

(He hoped it would be sooner rather than later. Because, at the moment, his life was unbearably monotonous, and he didn’t know how much longer he could stand it.)

Ender’s alarm always went off at seven.

He didn’t need it to. There wasn’t anything he needed to be up early for, aside from assisting his demanding older sister, who had unfortunately been swept up in the frivolities of high school. Which he was not exactly enthusiastic about.

“Good morning,” Valentine beamed as he stumbled into her room, still groggy from sleep. Her hair was wrapped in a towel and she was sitting in front of the mirror in a bathrobe, gripping a tube of mascara in her left hand. Ender shot her a look and she laughed a little. “You look awful,” she added, her voice still imperturbably cheerful.

He groaned and sat down. “Tell me again why I’m here?”

Valentine clucked her tongue and stood up. “This is valuable bonding time, brother dearest,” she quipped in a tone that was somewhat mocking, opening her closet and pulling out a dress. “Plus I know I can always bribe you into making me coffee.”

“You don’t need to bribe me, just ask,” he said, rubbing his eyes. He hadn’t slept well for the last couple of nights. The nightmares had come back again, and for the first time since he’d come back from Eros, he was scared of his mind. Probably more scared than he wanted to admit to himself.

Ender wanted to talk to Valentine about it. But, frankly, he didn’t know who she was anymore. He did know that this girl was not the same one he’d left behind. He used to know his sister inside and out. He just never thought she’d change as much as she apparently had.

He looked up at her as she continued to apply her makeup, humming to herself under her breath. “Since when do you wear makeup?” Ender asked.

“Since you left,” she replied simply. “I’m not a child anymore, Ender. You were gone for over six years. There’s a lot you missed.”

“Such as?”

“Such as me wearing makeup and dressing how I want to." Valentine paused. "You aren't okay with it, are you?” She smiled at him. “I’m the same person, I promise. It doesn’t matter how much concealer I have on, I’ll always be your sister.”

Her words seemed false and Ender didn’t know why. He couldn’t think of a response, so she kept talking. “So tell me how you're doing,” she said, still facing her own reflection.

“Fine,” he said shortly, “you?”

"I'm okay." Valentine sighed involuntarily. “No, that's a lie. I'm not. Honestly, I’m so tired, Ender.”

“Go to bed earlier.”

“Not like that. Everything is just too much. School especially. It’s overwhelming. Do you know what I mean?”

He almost laughed. The feeling she described was like second nature to him. Or, at least, it used to be. “I do. Trust me,” he replied.

“Everyone expects so much of me. I just don’t know how much more I can handle.” She sighed again, looking at him. “Alright. Get out for a moment so I can change my clothes. I’ll make you breakfast in a minute, okay?”

“Fine.” Ender stood up and closed the door behind him as he left. He was confused. She claimed to be tired, yet she looked happier than she’d ever been. Ender sat down on his bed and realized he was wrong about his sister. She hadn’t changed much. She was covering something up. He just wished he knew what. It bothered him that she didn’t trust him enough to tell him.

* * *

 

It was only after Bean’s parents had bought him his own phone that he realized he didn’t really have anyone to talk to. Or maybe it was that there wasn’t anyone that he genuinely wanted to be in contact with.

There was Nikolai, his parents, Sister Carlotta. Maybe Petra, if she wasn’t too busy with her fascinating new life in Armenia. If it had been a couple of days earlier, he would have added Ender to the list as well. However, it had been almost a week since Bean sent a reply to Ender’s message, and he still hadn’t heard back from him. Bean knew what that meant. Silence was powerful, especially if it was from Ender. He wasn’t going to keep trying.

He finally realized that he shouldn’t expect too much from the kids he’d met at Battle School. They were good friends, yes, but they didn’t have to stay that way, and all of them knew it. They also all had lives, unlike Bean. They wouldn’t be able to entertain him on the nets every day while he sat home alone and waited for his family to get home.

He felt pathetic. Probably because he was pathetic. What kind of person comes home from war only to sit inside a beautiful Greek house on the beach and, well, do nothing?

Bean was not made for a sedentary lifestyle. Greece was nice – it felt like home – but it was lacking something important. There were no challenges. He didn’t have to work for anything. The thought of having lived like this for several months already perplexed him. First Rotterdam, then Battle School, then Eros, and now… this. Moving here should have felt like a vacation. It didn’t.

In an effort to distract himself, he picked up his phone, one of his father’s old books, and let himself out the back door, heading towards the beach. Maybe if he read a book in a spot outside of his home, he would feel more productive. If that was even possible.

Bean planted himself in the sand and only got through twenty pages before his pocket started buzzing. He fished his phone out and squinted at the screen, the glare of the sun making it difficult to read.

He’d linked his phone to his desk, so all of his messages would be delivered to both of his devices. The one he’d just received was from Ender.

It was long, possibly the longest he’d sent so far. Bean read the first few words and felt his heart constrict, followed by the overwhelming, inexplicable urge to throw his phone into the ocean.

_So there’s this girl..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my loves. It's been a while, hasn't it?  
> I am so sorry. Yell at me all you'd like~  
> Thank you so much to everyone who left comments on the previous chapters. It warms my heart more than you realize. (:  
> Also, the second chapter was ridiculously OOC, so as soon as I get some free time, I'll edit that. To be honest I cringe every time I read it, lol.  
> I'm not quite sure where this story is going yet, I've got a couple of different ideas, so apologies if it's all over the place until I decide on something. (I know. I suck.)   
> Shoutout to speakerforthebooks who's posting new fic and helping me keep this fandom alive. You're the real mvp. Everyone go read her Ender/Bean fic because it's cute as frick.  
> Alright. See you guys soon. Love you long time. (:


	4. no one ever said it would be this hard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Novinha awkwardly tries to make conversation. The boys still haven't discovered their sexuality. Bean is harboring loads of teenage dwarf angst.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from The Scientist by Coldplay.

"I knew you looked familiar," she said as soon as Ender entered the room, violin case in hand. "I just could never place why I thought so."

He stared at Novinha for a few seconds before closing the door behind him and sitting down in the chair opposite her. She didn't continue and he raised an eyebrow. "Well? Did you ever figure it out?" he prompted, even though he was almost positive he knew what was coming. "Or is that just your way of making small talk?"

For what could have been the first time ever, Ender watched a slow smile spread across Novinha's face. She leaned back in her chair, shaking her dark hair out of her face and crossing her arms over her chest. "What's a war hero doing in a violin class?"

Ender grinned a little and shook his head, leaning down to pull his instrument out of its case. "It wasn't my choice, trust me."

He saw her nodding out of the corner of his eye. "I understand. I suppose I'm just surprised," she said.

"Why's that?"

She ignored him. "Don't you miss it?"

Ender felt himself stiffen involuntarily. "Miss what? Battle school?"

"Yes."

He sat back up, his mind starting to race. "I could never."

Novinha frowned a little. "Was it really that bad?"

Ender didn't know if he could even begin to explain it. "I definitely don't miss being there, but, at the same time, I don't regret any of it. It wasn't bad, just..." His sentence broke off. He couldn't put into words, he didn't know how to, not without pouring his heart out to this girl, someone he barely knew. He couldn't tell her how they broke him. He could barely even tell his own family members. "It was difficult," he finished, sitting up a little straighter and holding his violin out towards her. "Can you tune this for me, please?"

"Yes, I can." Novinha took it from him and eyed him warily as she plucked the strings. "You're a confusing boy, you know that?"

"You don't know me well enough to have figured me out."

"Ah. Don't worry." She smirked, turning one of his violin's pegs one last time before handing it back to him. "I plan on changing that."

* * *

 

Bean had never envied someone. Not truly. Sure, there were times when he wished he was as tall as the boys his age, or as agile, or as likable. But that seemed incredibly petty in comparison to what he was feeling now. And he hated it.

He knew Ender Wiggin like the back of his hand. He had him figured out backwards and forwards before the two had even met. He had watched him, analyzed him, found how he worked. It was a strategic technique, in the beginning, at least. It was strictly for the sake of the game and nothing else. But then they met and Bean realized that Ender was so much more than his high test scores and his exceptional tactical skills. He was clever, empowering, tortured, strong, beautiful; he had a heart of gold beneath the layers and layers of pain that had been placed upon him, and he was almost everything Bean had ever aspired to be. This boy was as good as they come. And, unexpectedly, they became friends.

Bean saw him at his lowest, as well as at his highest. He decided he'd take a bullet for him if the situation presented itself. No one else meant nearly as much to him, with the exception of Nikolai and maybe Sister Carlotta. But this was different. He couldn't explain how, but it was. The only thing that made him uncomfortable was the assumption that Ender didn't feel the same way about him.

But that was just an assumption. He never really knew how Ender truly felt about it - God knows what Ender truly feels about anything. But, for once in his life, Bean hoped he was wrong.

Either way, Bean knew him better than most, and Ender was well aware of that. Yet he could still value some stupid violin teacher that he barely knows over Bean. It was truly infuriating. He wanted so badly to be one of the most important things in Ender's life. The desire was inexplicable but years had passed and it had never gone away.

Bean didn't think he'd ever felt so sad, or angry, or jealous. The worst part was that the feelings stuck. He couldn't even turn on his phone without thinking of that message from Ender lurking in his inbox.

It took him a few days to realize he was being ridiculous. He was jealous of some girl who lived on the other side of the globe that Ender wrote to him about. Because him and Ender were friends. Even though Bean didn't always feel like it, he was a teenage boy, and that's what teenage boys do. They talk about girls.

Ender didn't mean anything by it.

Did he?

Sometimes Bean wondered if maybe what he felt was something more than friendship.

He dismissed the thought immediately. Yes, Ender meant the world to him, but that didn't mean that he was in love with him. There was no way. Obviously Ender wasn't attracted to boys, and neither was Bean. Then again, Bean had never been attracted to girls, either, but that was beside the point. Bean having romantic feelings for Ender was almost laughable. The idea itself was ridiculous. That's what he kept telling himself, anyway.

Yet as he sat alone on the beach, drinking something cold and caffeinated while grinning at his own stupidity, the smile didn't quite reach his eyes and he knew it.

* * *

The message from Bean was short and felt a little cold.

My desk's connection to the nets has not been ideal lately. If you're still interested in conversing with me, then you can call or text me. I've attached my cell phone number. If not, then don't bother replying.

Bean

 

unknown (11:34pm): Did I do something wrong?

bean delphiki (11:35pm): Who is this?

unknown (11:35pm): Ender.

bean delphiki (11:41pm): No.

ender wiggin (11:43pm): You don't sound okay.

bean delphiki (11:43pm): Maybe I'm not.

ender wiggin (11:45pm): Are you going to tell me why?

bean delphiki (11:48pm): Do you really care, or are you just curious?

ender wiggin (11:48pm): Of course I care.

bean delphiki (11:48pm): I'm not so sure.

ender wiggin (11:50pm): Bean.

bean delphiki (11:51pm): It's late, we can talk tomorrow. I'm tired. Goodnight.

ender wiggin (11:51pm): It's barely 4pm.

bean delphiki (11:53pm): Time difference.

ender wiggin (11:54pm): I see.

ender wiggin (11:54pm): Goodnight. Don't think you're going to get out of talking about this.

bean delphiki (11:58pm): I wouldn't dream of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This pairing gives me so much life. I just want them to kiss already omg.  
> Thank you so much for all of your comments :) feedback is always welcome, whether it be positive or otherwise.  
> Love you long time <3


	5. i'd live for you, and that's hard to do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is pretty dialogue-heavy and I apologize. I'm also super sorry that it's taken me so long to update!! I'm halfway done with writing the next chapter though so that should be up by the end of the week :)  
> love always!! <3  
> chapter title is from Ride by twenty one pilots.

“Ender!”

Ender was half asleep when Valentine’s voice rang out from the other room. He yawned and glanced at the clock - half past midnight - before pulling himself out of bed, only half aware that he was wearing nothing but a pair of Peter’s old shorts. Sleepily, he stumbled down the hall and into Valentine’s room, leaning against her open door. “What’s wrong?”

His sister was sitting on the edge of her bed with her legs crossed, hair in a messy bun, makeup still as flawless as it was twelve hours ago. Her floor was littered with clothes that she’d discarded when deciding what outfit to wear the next day, and Ender caught a glimpse of the pinterest homepage open on her laptop. Valentine’s eyes were flashing, and she looked concerned, but barely so. “Look at this,” she said, nodding towards the TV and unwrapping a piece of bubblegum. “Some kid got expelled from Battle School and is bombing buildings in Greece,” she said, eyebrows raised.

Ender felt his eyes widen and his heart sink. “What?”

She raised one arm and pointed at the TV screen. “Look!”

He did. The news station was rolling aerial footage of Greek buildings bursting into flames. They weren’t particularly important buildings; just things like grocery stores, homes, a couple small businesses. Ender scanned every frame as fast as his eyes would allow, subconsciously searching for a glimpse of Bean or Nikolai. (He didn’t see them, or anyone who even looked remotely like them.)

It was when they showed the picture of the suspect that Ender felt the blood drain from his face.

Blindly, he beelined back down the pitch black hallway and into his room, feeling around for his phone. It was only after the screen lit up that he realized his hands were shaking.

Ender closed his door and flipped the lights on. He sat down on his bed and scrolled through his contacts until he found Bean’s number, tapping on it in a manner that was almost frantic.

The phone just kept ringing and ringing and it was killing him. He shot up to his feet again and started pacing back and forth, clutching onto his phone. “Pick up, Bean,” he muttered to himself, screwing his eyes shut. “Please. Answer your goddamn phone, Bean.”

He didn’t answer.

Frustrated, Ender called again. This time he waited for the beep and left a message. “It’s me, Bean. Please call me back as soon as you can. Please. It’s important.”

He silently prayed that Bean was unharmed and that he couldn’t come to the phone because he was asleep or something. (He was wrong.)

 

Bean was, in fact, not asleep and not unharmed. He was very much awake, sitting alone in his kitchen, emotionally wounded and debating if he should text Ender back or not, when the call came in.

“Speak of the devil,” he murmured, watching his phone vibrate on the granite countertop, Ender’s picture flashing on the screen. For a long moment, he couldn’t move. He just stared at it. And when he did gather the nerve to answer it, Ender had hung up.

Bean stood up, put his phone in his pocket, and walked down the hall, pushing his mother’s bedroom door open gently. “Can I come in?”

She looked up from the mirror, slightly startled. “Of course, love!” she said, setting down a hairbrush and turning to face him, her eyes twinkling. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing. I just wanted to let you know that I’m going out for a while.”

“Yeah? Where are you headed?”

“I don’t know. For a walk somewhere, I guess. But I might get back after you’ve left for work, so, in that case, I’ll see you this evening.”

“Will do,” his mother said, tucking a brown curl behind her ear and capping a tube of lipstick. “Have fun today. I love you.”

“I love you too,” he replied automatically, starting to turn away. He still wasn’t sure if he completely understood what it meant to love someone, but he still threw the phrase at his parents to keep them happy. They seemed pretty content with it.

“Wait, Bean!”

He poked his head back through the doorway. “Yes?”

“Would you mind doing the dishes later? If you don’t want to, that’s okay, but it would be a huge help -”

“Sure,” he said, only half aware of what he was agreeing to. His mind was still spinning with thoughts of Ender and how badly he needed to get out of the house. “Yeah, I’ll do it.”

She grinned. “You’re the best.”

 

Ender laid on his bed for fourteen minutes staring at the ceiling before his phone rang. He jumped up to a sitting position and scrambled to find the glowing screen in the darkness. (His hands were still shaking.) “Hello?” he answered, a bit more forcefully than he’d intended. “Bean?”

“Ender.”

The sound of his voice hit him like a pound of bricks, for so many different reasons, some of which he wasn’t even sure of. Relief washed over him so intensely that he felt lightheaded. He laid back down, closed his eyes. “Bean,” he repeated softly.

“That’s my name, don’t wear it out.”

A smile crept onto Ender’s face. “You’re alright.”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I was scared that you’d gotten hurt, or something, and when you didn’t pick up the phone, I -” Ender winced, stopping himself. He sounded like an idiot. “Valentine showed me the footage of everything that happened in Greece yesterday, and I was just concerned. But you don’t sound like you’ve received any fatal wounds recently, so I guess I have no reason to worry.”

“What the hell are you on about? What footage?”

His eyes snapped open. “What?”

“I am completely in the dark here. I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about. What happened yesterday?”

“The bombings?”

Bean was silent for a long moment. “Bombings?” he repeated. “Why are we being bombed?”

“I’m surprised you haven’t read every local newspaper already to find out what’s happening. Isn’t it nine there?”

“Seven thirty in the morning, and no, I haven’t found the time. I’ve had a lot on my mind this morning.”

“Such as?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It does, and I’m not going to let you go without talking about it.”

“I will. Later. Tell me about what’s happening.”

“This kid Achilles was expelled from Battle School and he’s been bombing buildings. I’m not sure if it’s in your general area or not, but I know it was in Greece.”

The other end stayed silent. “Bean?” Ender prodded, still staring up at the ceiling.

“Fuck.”

“Language, Delphiki.”

“My apologies,” he deadpanned. Ender could almost hear the wheels in Bean’s head turning. “He’s looking for me.”

“Who?”

“Achilles.”

Ender was baffled. “Why would he…? I didn’t know you knew him.”

Bean let out a sharp, sardonic laugh. “We go way back.”

“I’m assuming that isn’t a good thing.”

“Not in the slightest. He’s been out for my blood since I was a baby.”

Ender frowned. “Why haven’t I heard about it?”

“It wasn’t important once I got to Battle School.”

“Speaking of things that are important; tell me what’s going on.”

“Nothing’s going on.”

“What was on your mind before I called?”

“Like I said, it doesn’t matter.”

“But it does matter,” Ender insisted, running one hand through his hair and sighing inwardly. “What is it?”

He heard Bean take a breath. “You.”

Ender’s heart skipped a beat and he felt chills run down his body. “I’m confused,” he says.

“It’s just so strange not seeing you every day. Not knowing if you’re okay - it kills me. And knowing that if you weren’t okay, there’s nothing I could do about it, considering that I’m living on the other side of the planet.”

“But I am okay. You know that.”

Bean ignored him and kept talking - he knew that if he stopped now, he’d talk himself out of saying the things he really needed to say. “I can’t shake this stupid feeling that I don’t mean anything to you anymore, and I hate it, cause it’s been almost a year since I’ve seen you last and you still mean everything to me.” He cleared his throat. “I mean - you mean a lot to me,” Bean stammered. “Not everything. But quite a lot.”

“Bean.”

“I know you don’t feel the same way, but you were my first true friend and the first person I’ve ever looked up to. Actually,” he added as an afterthought, “there was one person I looked up to, but Achilles killed her about ten years ago. So she doesn’t really count.”

“What is wrong with Achilles?”

“Hell if I know. He’s a first-rate psychopath. Being a homeless orphan will do that to you.”

“I’m sorry.”

“About what?”

“That you feel this way. I didn’t realize.”

“You don’t have to apologize for my feelings.”

Ender rolled over onto one side, staring out the window. “It is my fault.” He sighed. “Listen, Bean. I’m not good at expressing my emotions.”

“Trust me, I know.”

He grinned. “I do like you a lot, and I value you very highly. You’re the only person ive felt comfortable talking to in years.”

“What about Valentine?”

“She’s changed.” Ender lowered his voice slightly, looking over his shoulder to make sure his door was shut. “I was gone for so many years. I’m not sure who she is anymore.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. It happens. People change,” said Ender. There was silence for a few moments. “But you were always my favorite, and that hasn’t changed.”

“I didn’t know you were the kind of person to pick favorites.”

“Neither did I. Until I met you.”

He could hear Bean’s sharp intake of breath. “Why me?” he asked. “Why not Alai, or Petra, or anyone else?”

“I feel like you understand me better than either of them ever could.”

“I do.”

Ender laughed. “Don’t be arrogant.”

“I have every right to be arrogant about this. Trust me.”

Ender wasn’t sure what that meant and he wasn’t sure he wanted to ask. He cleared his throat subconsciously, blinking a few times. “So, what’s your plan?” he asked, changing the subject. “Are you leaving the country?”

“I’m not sure that I can speak freely about that at the moment. Achilles could be monitoring this call.”

“That is true. You’ll let me know though, won’t you?”

“Once I’ve spoken to my family about it, then yes, I will.”

“Okay,” Ender replied uneasily. “Be careful.”

He could hear the smile in Bean’s voice. “I always am.”

“I should probably go to sleep.”

“You should.”

“Let me know if you’re safe, though,” Ender blurted out without thinking. “Please. Every so often. So I don’t have to worry all the time.”

“I’ll be fine. I want you to trust me.”

“I do trust you,” Ender said quickly.

“Good. Then believe me when I say that I’m not going anywhere. I don’t want you to worry.”

“But you don’t know that for sure.”

“Ender. Please.”

He inhaled, letting his eyes close. “Right. Sorry.”

“We’ll be okay,” Bean told him softly. “I’ll call you later.”

“You’d better.”

“Get some sleep. You’ll feel better.”

Ender felt a small smile settle on his lips, eyes still closed. “I already do.”

 

Every couple of days, Ender would get a text. Always from a different number, always the same message. (Always brought the same happy glow to his cheeks.)

_Safe_.

That was more than enough. He was content with that. Until the messages stopped coming, and everything started falling apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leave me a comment and tell me what you think! xoxo


	6. and i will follow where this takes me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, guys. long time no see :)  
> thank you so much for your amazing comments. if it weren't for all of you, I'd honestly have dropped this story ages ago. I don't know how to express how much I appreciate all of your kind words.  
> love always!  
> (chapter title is from Stone by Alessia Cara)

He finished the piece they’d been rehearsing -  _ Gavotte in G minor -  _ lowered his bow, lazily curled his hand around the neck of the violin, and looked up at Novinha expectantly. 

She stared at him with raised eyebrows, hazel eyes unreadable, and crossed her tanned arms over her chest. “Are you alright, Ender?”

“Yes,” he lied, “why do you ask?”

Novinha exhaled through her nose, not breaking her intense gaze. “Because your playing sounds like shit, and that only happens when you’re upset.”

He wasn’t too bothered - he was used to her criticism by now, and, besides, he knew she was right. It had been over a week since he’d heard from Bean, and it was eating away at him. “Sorry?” he replied insincerely.

“I’m not going to ask you what’s wrong, because I know I won’t get a straight answer. I never do. Maybe just try to push your problems to the back of your mind for the rest of the lesson? I can’t work with you if your head is somewhere else.”

Ender had found it pretty damn difficult to push a week’s worth of uncertainty, terror, and anguish to the back of his mind. But he was willing to try. As a matter of fact, he was willing to do a lot of things for Novinha these days, after coming to terms with the fact that she was probably the only real life friend he had at the moment. It might have also been because she was drop-dead gorgeous, and he kind of liked her as a little bit more than a friend. But he was still sorting that part out.

  


Bean was hunched into a seat in the back row of a commercial airplane, wearing one of Nikolai’s giant hoodies and a pair of his mom’s oversized sunglasses. Sister Carlotta was next to him, with Elena Delphiki on her other side, and Nikolai and Julian in the row in front of them.

He leaned his forehead against the window as they flew over the Pacific, recounting the decisions he’d made over the past few hours. The plan was to leak his current location - a small condo in Egypt - to Achilles, pretending to be one of his men, and then immediately get on a flight to North Carolina under a false name. Achilles would never expect Bean to be hiding in Ender’s hometown. And, besides, Carlotta was going to keep feeding his men a fake trail, to throw them off even further. The plan wasn’t his smartest, but he thought it would do, for the time being. 

The plan may or may not have also been influenced by his steadily growing feelings for his best friend. But he was planning on keeping that to himself.

He’d been dying to talk to Ender for nearly a week and a half, but he couldn’t take any chances. None of them could. When him and his family arrived at the condo in Egypt, Carlotta made them smash their phones, made them wipe their laptops clean. With a wink, she told Bean that he could call Ender from a payphone when they landed. (He was still a little pissed about that.)

  


When Bean finally called, Ender was still in his violin lesson, his phone muted.

He called three times before Sister Carlotta pulled him away from the payphone. “We have to go,” she said in a low voice, wrinkled hands pulling gently at his wrist. “We can’t stay in this airport for too long.”

Bean couldn’t argue with her. He knew she was right.

“Your parents and brother went to go visit the house we’re renting,” she continued casually as they walked towards the exit. “You and I are going to wait for them in a coffeeshop.”

“Why didn’t we go with them?” Bean said with an edge to his voice, pulling the sunglasses off his face. “What if something happens and I’m not there?”

“Relax,” Carlotta said, giving him a sympathetic smile. “They’re only looking into a house. Achilles and his men are in Egypt, and they’ll be heading towards Russia next. We’re safe.”

“How can you be so sure?” he snapped.

She led them through a revolving door, clearly ignoring him. “Let’s go get coffee.”

  


As Ender was putting his violin away, he could feel Novinha watching him.

“Take a picture, it’ll last longer,” he muttered in her direction as he unwound the hair on his bow.

She chuckled softly, bowing her head for a moment. “I don’t need any pictures of you. I just wanted to suggest something.”

“Go ahead.”

“How about you drop your violin off at home,” she said slowly, “and then go get coffee with me?”

Alarm bells went off in his head. Was she asking him out? “Um,” he said, mind going blank. “Yeah. Yeah, I’d like that.”

Novinha smiled him coquettishly, stood up, and held out one hand for him to hold. “Then let’s go.”

  


The coffeeshop was cute. Small. Warm. Bean would have enjoyed it much more if he wasn’t constantly thinking about Ender.

He was going crazy. The two of them were in the same town, at the same time, and they could be together at that very moment. But instead, he was sitting at a table for two with a nun, drinking mediocre coffee and wearing his mother’s oversized sunglasses so he wouldn’t be recognized.

Bean couldn’t help but wonder how Ender was doing, what they’d be talking about if he was here right now.

Then, as if by some miracle of God, the front door to the shop opened.

The man that walked in was tall - not quite six feet, but nearly there - and so thin, just like he’d always been. He was in a black t-shirt and dark wash jeans that hugged his body in all the right places. His skin wasn’t quite as pale as it was when they were in space, he’d let his dark hair grow out a little, and his blue eyes were brighter than Bean had ever seen them. He looked healthy. He looked happy, and Bean’s heart swelled at the sight of it.

Bean’s heart, however, was not so happy to see that Ender had a beautiful, brown-haired girl trailing after him, their fingers intertwined as they threw smiles at each other.

  


As they sat down at a vacant table, drinks in hand, Ender’s mind was spinning. “Novinha,” he began.

“Yes?”

“Is this a date?”

She winked. “Only if you want it to be.”

That was the thing. Ender wasn’t sure if he did want it to be. 

Novinha was captivating. She was beautiful, yes, and interesting, and she made him feel safe. He admired her intelligence and her witty sense of humor. She made him laugh and she kept him on his toes. He was endlessly curious about her past and about her current life; she was mysterious and it only increased his attraction. He knew things would never get boring with her.

The only problem was that all of those reasons were also things that he felt for Bean. 

But with Bean, it was different; it was stronger. It was his feelings for Novinha amplified infinitely. Bean brought out the best in him, even from halfway across the globe.

On the other hand, he had no idea if Bean was even alive at the moment. And that’s where the confusion began.

  


Little did he know, Bean was very alive, and very angry.

“Are you sure you don’t know where the house is?” Bean asked Carlotta for the fifth time. “I should probably go check it out. They might need my help.”

“Relax,” she said sharply, laying one hand on top of his. “What’s the matter?”

“Nothing.”

“You’re anxious.”

“Wow, what a surprise. What kind of person would I be if Achilles was out for my blood and I  _ wasn’t  _ anxious?” he snapped. 

“Bean, I know you. I know this isn’t about Achilles.”

The fact that she was right made him even angrier. “You don’t know shit about me,” he fumed, pulling his hood up and standing up. 

Sister Carlotta grabbed his hand again and pulled him back into his seat. “Bean. Please,” she said gently. “I know this is tough for you. Just wait half an hour, and your family will be here, I promise.”

“Bullshit. You can’t promise anything. I need to see them, now.” He wriggled his hand out of her grip and slipped it into the pocket of Nikolai’s hoodie. “Enjoy your coffee,” he added bitterly, pulling the door open and letting it slam shut behind him.

  


Ender could have sworn that the guy in the gray hoodie that just made a scene in the middle of the coffeeshop was Bean. 

But it couldn’t have been. It was impossible. 

Bean wouldn’t be stupid enough to come to Greensboro, not when Achilles knew that Ender was here too.

He shook his head, and took another long sip of his cappuccino. He needed to get Bean off of his mind. But he knew from experience that was easier said than done.


End file.
